The Journeywoman

Flowers begin to pop up, the sun glistens off of new blades of bright green grass. There is a fresh smell in the air and frequent nourishing rains. The mountains are beginning to awaken from their slumber. The birds, squirrels, and other animals I see seem infused with a new Spring energy. In my step as well there is more buoyancy.

Despite an increase in hours spent at my workplace, I feel a new freedom and energy beginning to emerge. I have begun teaching a weekly staff yoga class, which inspires me to inspire others. I work in several bereavement groups, bringing music therapy to nurture and encourage the hard work of grieving. And I am seeing individual hospice patients in the community, both in private homes and nursing homes. It is amazing to me how diverse my patients and clients are. So many different spiritual beliefs, cultures, and musical tastes are represented. I see each hospice patient as having the ability to "crown" their life with enriched living to the end. Many of them, despite debilitating illnesses like dementia and COPD, are magnificently full of life and willing to share their love. There are so many jewels of personality, humor, and lively opinion left in people even in the very last days of life. It is easy to see a nursing home patient as "unresponsive" if you do not look and listen closely. There seems to be a music in every soul I work with, waiting to escape. Music therapy seems to bring their individual jewels of music to the surface. I am merely the assistant in this process.

At work every day I try to bring a centered mind resulting from good nutrition, enough sleep, and a daily yoga practice. Though I spend the majority of weeknights practicing music at home, I always try to stop around 9:30 or 10 to give myself time to wind down and rest. I am still learning so much. Every day I discover something about myself and music therapy that is new to me. All of this learning requires a certain amount of rest. Just like savasana (final relaxation pose) is necessary to soak up holistic benefits at the end of a yoga practice, my night's sleep is essential in letting me process new knowledge gained from my day. I have been dreaming particularly vivid dreams lately. Each morning when my alarm clock rings, I wake up gratefully knowing that my dreams are an important part of my learning process. Even though I don't always remember them, I know that they are working in the unconscious level to solve problems and bring insight to my life.

Challenges are arising in my life, the biggest being the end of my internship and the beginning of a life free from the nests I have comfortably been nestled in all of my life. It is time to start opening my wings and embracing this new energy I am feeling. It is time to start putting a direction to my new adult life. I know mistakes and roadblocks lie ahead, but I also know boundless joy and wealth await and are even here now. My life's biggest problems are presented most days in the form of little challenges. Every day I survive them and grow from my experiences.

Heart opens,
A new fledgeling begins to stretch her wings,
The sky is blue and the air smells of spring,
A journey presents itself,
The fledgling commits herself to the journey!

Warm Winter Sun

I am getting new bursts of energy this month! The winter is warm, and lately there has been sun here. I think the weather plays into my mood significantly. If I am able to recharge in the warm sun on weekends like this one, I am ready to give my all in the coming week.

My internship is busy. I am seeing home care patients now, which involves a lot of driving around the area communities. My favorite little community thus far is West Asheville. It is it's own little town, complete with a co-op, yoga studio, hair solon, and music shop. The neighborhood surrounds the little "downtown" area and people are walking and biking to do their errands. Yesterday I went there to get my hair cut and stopped at the co-op to get a smoothie from the juice "farmacy."

I am really into practicing the harp lately. I am trying to practice every weekend. I believe the harp will be a wonderful instrument for hospice and relaxation work once I am proficient. I would like to get a Celtic harp to play when I am working as a music therapist in the future.

Another project I have started is networking. I have heard that networking is very important when searching for a job. Being an introvert, networking is hard for me, but I know it is important. I'd like to find a job but not be too stressed about it. I am certain everything will fall into place with my own energy and effort as well as the world of opportunity out there. So please, if you have any tips on finding a job or know of any places that are hiring or should hire a music therapist, please let me know! My dream job now is to work as a music therapist in a hospice setting, but I would be open to nursing home, hospital, psych, or integrative healing arts settings as well. I'd like teaching yoga to be a part of my life too.

When I'm not looking into my future, I try to focus on the present with an open heart. I find that one of the most important parts of life is making a keeping friends. My friends and family mean a lot to me. Thank you! Here in Asheville, I try to make new connections that possibly will grow into friendships. Sometimes the negative side of me says, "you probably won't be here much longer, so why bother making a friend network here?" But I know from experience that friendships can span distance and that it is worth it to make friends everywhere because they help me be a happy, loving person.

So to my friends, family, and colleagues, I have decided to have a section of my blog posts about movie/book/media/music recommendations. Please comment with your own recommendations or comments. I would presently recommend the book Enjoy Every Sandwich by Lee Lipsenthal. It is a beautiful commentary on the living while dying philosophy from a physician who has terminal cancer. It is short and easy to read. A longer, more philosophical read would be Who Dies? by Stephen Levine. It also includes meditation scripts relating to pain, greif, and conscious dying. And if you really want to expand your horizons, watch DMT: The Spirit Molecule. It is a documentary for those with curious minds.

I will close with a song Kundalini yogis sing in parting:

May the longtime sun shine upon you
all love surround you
and the pure light within you
guide your way home

Crunch Time

Christmas soon approaches. Most of my friends who are still in school are busy with finals. I am free of finals, but still feeling the pressure of this time of year. Just going to the post office today was a hassle. Unfortunately, I find myself on the schedule of the rest of America's work force. Since I work normal hours Monday through Friday, I have Saturday and Sunday to do most of the things I need to do unrelated to work. Last weekend Christmas shopping was crazy. Just seeing the traffic on Tunnel Road near the mall was enough to make me want to run away. It was the opposite of peace and joy for me.

I just thank my lucky stars I don't work at one of these establishments (the ones that push to sell products during Christmas). There is no overflow of hospice patients during Christmas. Bereavement may be another story. I know that people who have lost a loved one have an especially hard time at Christmas. I try to imagine sometimes how I would feel if I didn't have my family to go to around Christmas. I would probably dread it. I have a book of Christmas music that I bring around when I see patients, but not many people request Christmas music, despite the plethora of decorations around the hospice facility at which I work.

For me, crunch time doesn't necessarily have to do with finals or Christmas. It just has to do with entering the third month of my internship. Everything seems more challenging and overwhelming. I am learning new music very quickly, sometimes a couple of songs in a night. On top of that I have assignments to do. I have learned that planning relaxation scripts is not the most relaxing thing in the world. Also, I am learning to use Sibelius to write an arrangement of a song for our grief choir. It has been challenging, but I am learning that it is indeed superior to Finale, the program I used in school.

In the time of crunch, I am finding myself more prone to crunch down on junky food. The cafeteria food isn't that healthy to begin with, and having sweets that loving family members leave in the common areas of the hospice facility don't help my self-control. I know that sugar is a weakness for me. And this time of year it's harder than ever to avoid!

Despite all of this, I am still practicing my yoga and keeping myself healthy. I have not gotten ill yet since I moved. Hooray!

Yoga

Yoga means to join or to unite, Bringing the body and the mind together. For me, yoga is not just asana (physical movements). Yoga is a lifestyle, a way of dealing with everyday scenarios, emotions, and illness. I study the yoga sutras often. I read one or two most times I do my asana practice in the morning. The yoga sutras, written by Patanjali, are guidelines for living in the way of yoga. Today I learned that once one takes a vow, one keeps the vow, whether the vow is a fast, or a daily asana practice. I have a vow of a daily asana practice that I began two summers ago. This morning, I woke up very early to travel back with my family to North Carolina from spending Thanksgiving in Alabama. Since I did not get up in time to do asana, I did asana and yoga nidra (yoga sleep meditation) this afternoon when I returned home. I now feel refreshed after keeping my vow. What I like about my vow is that I can modify it. I don't have to do my asana in the morning, if I am sick or low on energy it does not have to be vigorous, I can attend a yoga class instead of practicing on my own... I modify according to what I need.

How do I use yoga in my internship? Driving is a time I always try to use yoga techniques. Since my work involves driving, I focus on relaxing and not getting overly anxious on my way to a from work. I know using yoga while driving will be extra beneficial to me when I start driving to see patients in several months. Pranayama (breathing) techniques are very useful when I have just had an intense experience with a patient or with a supervisor. Pranayama helps move emotions through the body in a healthy way (just like music often does). I use yoga when I play music. If there is a particularly difficult song I am playing, I check in with my body and relax what doesn't necessarily need to be tight. Generally, this frees my mind and body into a more easeful state in which I am more likely to succeed in playing the song. Also, since I use my voice very much when I work, I must always be in tune with my fifth chakra (located in the throat). Since my voice has shown signs of weakening lately, I am now gently investigating my fifth chakra.

You may not believe all about chakras and energetics, but I am beginning to more and more. Through working with dying patients who cannot always communicate, I have to use my intuition many times to know what they need. Often I feel that silence and holding their hand is best. Often a specific song, or an improvisation. Sometimes, the patient's body will tell me if my intuition was correct. These sessions involve my knowledge of energetics as well as my knowledge about music therapy.

As a yoga student and music therapy intern, I'm learning what it means to be united mind and body. To heal and unite myself is the first step in helping others to heal and unite themselves.

Working to Live

Today I want to talk about balance. Balance is a concept that I am working towards in by life right now (and for the past few years). 

Occasionally I take time to look at the night sky, keeping in touch with one aspect of nature's rhythms. I also like to go out and meet new people all over town. Two very separate things, I thought. Now I know that the two can balance each other. Looking at the night sky is helpful in clearing my mind and helping me focus. And I need that focus to remember names and faces and to have conversations. In turn, my relationships with people help me gain insight into the system of nature and community here. You see, both concepts balance each other. The inner contemplation and outward search for people are symbiotic.

Lately, living in Asheville has taught me a few things about myself. One being: I am totally independent, but I cannot feel as safe without reaching out for support. I know that in grief, support is key. Also in my life, which has suffered its own losses in the recent past, I need support from God, family, community, old and new friends. Looking back at the night sky. If looking at the night sky reminds me of God and humanity, this creates a sense of peace and understanding in me, which in turn provides support. 

Working with dying patients and their families is sometimes draining. Some days I will come home from work and want to sleep it away. This is depressing. Usually when I feel like this I will honor my feelings, but not the urge to sleep. Instead, I think my thoughts and and feel my emotions and then do something active. Doing activities that show me how to feel the way I want to feel helps: Running, yoga, hiking, and even hula hoop dancing! But I do still have to process all of my feelings eventually.  

Another thing I am trying to do is to not bring my work home with me. This is an ever-morphing process, because I bring the music home with me to rehearse, to learn. At home, I learn about the concepts of my work, but I do not bring my work to my home-time. My work is with the patients. And to bring my work home is not in balance's best interests.

This weekend I've been working at Moogfest, an electronic music festival in downtown Asheville. It's a crazy, very outward-looking environment. But somehow, in the midst of it all, there is an inner peace. The vibration of sound weaves together the threads of the people.

So, I've been asked recently, "Do you want to live to work or work to live?" If I'm balance conscious, the answer is obvious, I think.

Loving the Love!

Here I am so happy, and so comfortable! It's been really easy to find things to do. What a shift for me, from living at home where I had lots of free time over the summer when I wasn't traveling, to now where there's stuff to do and people to see every day and night!

I am still in training as an beginning intern. I do a lot of observing, and a lot of reading and music practice. Learning the ropes has been mostly fun, other that the super long staff orientation meeting. When I observe Anne and Lauren (my supervisors) at work, I am so inspired! Just today, I witnessed Anne sing for a family and a patient in Solace. The music helped them get to healing stages of grief. Tears and meaningful moments happened freely with the support of the music the patient loves. I have been down to Solace twice to play piano as a form of environmental music therapy. I was skeptical of it at first, thinking I wouldn't do much good. In fact, the staff and family benefit greatly from the music. I've had many people come up to me to thank me and tell me how nice it is to hear. Hopefully this service will help to ease the stress of staff and caregivers.

At home I continue to get along with my roomates. I've been cooking healthy things and recently learned how to use the juicer. I go to a kirtan every Tuesday. Kirtan is a form of bhakti (devotional) yoga that involves call-and-response singing of ancient sanskrit chants with accompaniment from harmonium, sitar, tablas, and some Western instruments. It has been a great way to meet others in the music and yoga community. 

This weekend I'm off to Black Mountain where I'll attend a Women's Herbal Conference, catch up with some friends from Boone, and meet some women from around here, too.

Well, here I am in grand old Asheville, North Carolina. My internship has begun, and I am getting excited about my new life here.

Moving here was a process. First, I searched for a place and roomates on Craigslist. I then came to Asheville to search for a place to live. After looking over six houses, apartments, and duplexes, I found the best one for me: a "healthybuilt" house very near to CarePartners in a quiet neighborhood. My two roomates are both guys (much to my mother's horror) and employed in the area as DJs (another horror for my mother). Contrary to what one might expect of such roomates, they are both turning out to be very decent guys. One of them gave me a lesson on "spinning" and taught me about scratching, etc. I have yet to be disturbed from my sleep by loud dance music and the house is immaculately clean. What more could I want?

Asheville itself, I love, of course. The weather has been outstanding. I went on some hikes on the parkway yesterday. The yoga scene: VERY big! I have only checked out one studio so far, there are more waiting.

Day one of internship: What you might expect. Overwhelming. In a good way though, I really liked what I saw and heard. I have two supervisors and a fellow intern. My duties as an intern will be "revolutionary" in Lauren's (my supervisor) terms. I will eventually be doing all (or much) of my hours at Solace (the inpatient hospice unit). Most interns see people in home or in facilities in the county. But apparently they think I'm up to the challenge of doing primarily inpatient. Thankfully, I'll have my supervisors and fellow intern to ease me into it. This is exactly what I wanted, without my having to ask for it. I was really not looking forward to spend so much time navigating the county by car. From what I've observed there, it will be a replenishing environment for the work I do. The inpatient facility is built to be home-like, and of course the ideals of hospice, to require comfort and care, are what I want for myself. The nurture I give others will not likely burn me out in such a beautiful place full of caring people. Plenty of room to replenish.

And, finally, I'm back in the mountains. I simply love living in the mountains!